what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
