I need help removing her.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
