Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
