I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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