You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
