: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
