: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
