I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
