i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
