My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
