I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
