Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
