You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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