Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
