My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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