I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
