they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
