smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Randomize
