Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
