Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We had to coat check the pizza.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
