Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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