I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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