Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
