So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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