the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
