That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
