im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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