Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
