my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
