No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
