At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
