i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
