I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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