if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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