I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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