You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
