if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
NoShamevember. You game?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
