You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
