omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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