I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
