today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
