I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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