I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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