Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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