I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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