I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Less talking, more tequila
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
