Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's get the cat blown out
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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