Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
