I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
