It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
