I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
