Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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