3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
