Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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