so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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