life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
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