I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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