Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
