Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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