my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
