theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
